


Covert Cootchie-Cootchie-Coo

by blackglass



Category: Captain America, Captain Marvel (Marvel), Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Alternate Universe - Human, Crack, F/M, Playing with romance novel conventions, Prompt Fic, Romance Novel, The Author IS Responsible for the Hammy Summary, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Author is Not Responsible for the Terrible Title, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-28
Updated: 2013-06-28
Packaged: 2017-12-16 09:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/860740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackglass/pseuds/blackglass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I asked for "bad romance novel titles" as prompts for crack!fic. Nessismore more than delivered with not only the most terrible of titles, but also an awesomely bad <a href="http://www.unclewaltersrants.com/.a/6a011168547078970c0148c6f4255a970c-320wi">cover</a>. THIS IS A THING THAT IS REAL. </p><p>Harlequin-style summary (because I couldn't help myself):</p><p> <br/><i>The last thing former-soldier-turned-mechanic Steve Rogers expected to find in his garage was a baby girl. The only clue to her identity was a note from an old childhood friend, begging him to keep her daughter safe. But protecting baby Rachel turns out to be more dangerous than he expected and his only back-up is the statuesque and stunningly beautiful P.I. he hired to find the baby’s mother: Carol Danvers. As the urgency ramps up and they draw closer to the truth, Steve finds that the real danger is not to his life—but his heart. Losing either Carol or the baby might be more than he can take...</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Covert Cootchie-Cootchie-Coo

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nessismore](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nessismore/gifts).



> As I said in the summary, this book [is a thing that is real](http://www.harlequin.com/storeitem.html?iid=20012). I have read it and it is as bad as you might expect. But after I peeled myself off of the floor and wiped the tears of laughter from my face, I decided, what the hell? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. This prompt fic—or "romance novel excerpt" if you want to maintain the illusion :P—is dedicated to nessismore. Any and all romance novel turns of phrases and cliches you might encounter are entirely intentional. 
> 
> Also used to fill my "AU: All-Human" square for trope_bingo.

“Tell me, Wendy, have you ever seen such lazy P.I.s in your life?” Jessica drawled, amused. Wendy snickered in agreement.

Office minions these days—no loyalty whatsoever.

Carol flipped Jessica the bird without taking her eyes off her game of Minesweeper. Jess, who’d been slouched in her chair, feet up on her desk while reading one of Wendy’s many gossip rags, gave their fellow colleague a baleful look.

“Not even 4 days back and she’s already nagging at us,” Jess sniffed. “So business has been slow. So what? After busting our arses for the past few months while you’ve been on maternity leave, I say we’re entitled to a few weeks of rest and relaxation and—”

“Mind-numbing boredom?” Carol put in, absently.

Jess groaned, letting her head fall back. “ _So, so bored._ ”

Carol had wrapped up her last case on Monday. Jess, meanwhile, had been between cases for a week and a half already.

Jessica snorted. “You could have taken the case Misty is on.”

“No,” Jess said firmly, eyes narrowed. “I won at rock-paper-scissors fair and square. I. Do. Not. Do. Adultery cases. _Ever_.”

“Amen,” Carol agreed, before hissing in frustration as she clicked on a bomb. Goddamnit.

“Well then you have no one to blame but yourself,” Jessica chided, setting her purse on her desk and shrugging off her jacket.

“Don’t fret, bossladies,” Wendy chirped, as indefatigably optimistic as ever. “Who knows? Maybe today’s the day we’ll finally get a case.”

As if on cue, they all heard the tread of footsteps on the stairs leading up to their second-floor office space. They exchanged a surprised look.

“Wendy, I think you’re magic,” Jess breathed in anticipation, letting her feet slide off the edge of her desk.

“I think I must be,” Wendy said, eyes round. She cleared her throat, turning around in her chair, preparing to greet their guest whose silhouette was coming into focus behind the frosted glass door.

“I call dibs on this case,” said Jess.

“Objection!” Carol shot back, scowling.

“Sustained,” Jessica said evenly.

Jess huffed. “This is not a courtroom and you are not a judge. I’m totally allowed to call dibs.”

The door pushed open.

“Welcome to Pulse Investigations!” Wendy greeted brightly. “How may I...um...oh wow...” She trailed off, sounding slightly breathless.

The person who’d come through the door was a stunning exemplar of golden All-American masculinity. He was tall, with insanely broad shoulders and impressively large biceps that bulged even beneath the leather jacket he wore. His dark blond hair was perfectly coiffed and he cut a neat figure, wearing a blue-and-white plaid shirt underneath the jacket, tucked into a pair of immaculately pressed khakis. He looked handsome too, at least from a distance.

Y’know, if you liked that sort of thing.

Carol couldn’t blame Wendy for her reaction. She, herself, could appreciate the magnificent breadth of those shoulders, but she preferred her men dark-haired, sloe-eyed, and rugged. None of that straight-backed, cleancut Boy Scout business—she liked a little scruffiness, a man who could pull off darkly smouldering looks and wicked smirks that invited all kinds of sinful thoughts.

Frank—a crime beat reporter and the last man she’d been with—had fit that bill exactly and together they’d set the sheets on fire. If only he weren’t such a commitment-phobe, he’d have been perfect. It wasn’t like Carol had been looking to get married and buy a house and have 2.5 children. All she wanted was a steady, committed relationship.

Apparently, that had been too much to ask for.

Jess tore her transfixed gaze away from the Aryan wet dream currently towering over their petite office manager to give Jessica and Carol significant looks. _Dibs_ , she mouthed emphatically. They both rolled their eyes in response.

“Hi,” the stranger said, sounding somewhat uncertain, “I’m looking for Jessica?” 

His voice was deeper that Carol had expected, eliciting an odd twisting in her gut that she couldn’t explain.

“Which one?” Jess and Jessica chorused in unison. This happened to them a lot.

The man’s eyebrows flew up as he turned to look at them. “Oh, I...don’t know actually,” he said, a little helplessly. “Bernie Rosenthal referred me here and told me to ask for Jessica.”

Bernie Rosenthal was a defense attorney they’d worked with before. Not only was she a damn fine lawyer, she was good people too, taking many pro bono cases.

“Then she probably was talking about me, “ Jessica said smoothly, stepping forward with an arm extended to shake his hand. “I’m Jessica Jones. Any friend of Bernie’s is more than welcome here.”

He shook her hand, laughing a little. “Steve Rogers,” he greeted. “And I appreciate it, but I’ve never actually met her. My landlady is her aunt though.”

“Well the statement still stands,” Jessica said, smiling back at him. “May I introduce my colleagues?”

“Please,” he replied, with a deferential hand gesture. Carol and Jess stood and made their way out from behind their desks.

“First we have Jessica Drew.”

“Call me Jess, please,” she said, shaking his hand with a charming smile. Her expression betrayed none of her intense eagerness, even though Carol knew she was just chomping at the bit to get to work.

“And this is Carol Danvers.”

He turned to face her and Carol felt a little like someone had sucker-punched her in the gut. _Sweet baby Jesus_. She could tell he was attractive from a safe distance away, but up close he was just downright _unfair_. Every aspect of his features, the planes of his face—from the ridge of his brow to his chiseled jaw and the sharp slant of his nose—looked as if it had been lovingly sculpted by Michelangelo himself. His eyelashes were absurdly long, his lips full and pink, almost like a woman's—but there was nothing feminine about him at all.

Somewhat dazed, Carol murmured a distracted greeting and accepted his handshake, feeling a jolt of something electric skitter down her spine as their hands met. His grip was firm and his hand was large and warm. His startling blue eyes swept over her, up and down, then held her gaze. Time seemed to slow and stretch for a long moment, until the sound of a throat clearing brought the both of them back to the present. He pulled his hand from hers, almost reluctantly, and the slide of his calluses over her skin left a pleasant tingling in their wake.

Jessica gave them a faintly puzzled glance before ushering Steve to a seat in front of her desk. Behind them, Jess shot Carol a knowing look, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively and smirking. Carol sneered back at her and they continued to make faces at each other as they trailed after Jessica and Steve.

“So how can we help you today, Steve?” Jessica was asking, as Jess slid into the seat next to his. Carol, meanwhile, took up a position leaning on the file cabinet, as far from Steve as possible without making it seem like she was actively trying to avoid his presence.

“I...” he paused, then let out a deep sigh. “It’s a little complicated.” At Jessica’s encouraging look, he continued, “My best friend Bucky and I are mechanics and this morning, an old friend snuck into the garage while our backs were turned and left her baby behind.”

Whatever they’d been expecting, it certainly hadn’t been _that_. They looked at each other, eyes wide. “An old friend?” Jessica inquired. “Who?”

“Julia Carpenter, known her since she was a kid. She left a signed note behind. Bucky and I used to run around with her brother, Neal, when we were growing up. The three of us went into the Army together. Buck and I came back but Neal, uh, he was killed in action—roadside bomb.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “It was hard for her. Neal was the last living relative she had left. Bucky and I were the closest thing she had to a family after that.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Jessica said solemnly. “Would you happen to have the note with you?”

“Yeah, right here.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of lined paper, handing it over.

“Dear Steve and Bucky,” Jessica read, “This is my daughter, Rachel. I’m so sorry to do this to you, but I have no where else to turn and no one else I can trust. Please look after my baby and keep her safe. I have some things I need to make right and then I’ll come back for her as soon as I can. Don’t trust any strangers and don’t go to the cops—that last part’s underlined 3 times.” Jessica took a deep breath and let it out slowly, blinking hard. Carol looked at her with sympathy; as a new mother, the idea of leaving her baby behind probably hit Jessica right where she lived.

“Do you know why she chose not to confront you directly?” Jess asked, taking up the discussion while her friend composed herself. “When was the last time you had contact with her?”

“Probably because she knew we’d try to talk her out of whatever she’s planning to do,” Steve said heavily. “The last time we saw her was about 2 years ago. She moved out west to Denver, said a friend was offering her a job. We mainly kept in contact through email and Facebook, with a couple of phone calls here and there, but communication really slowed down over the past year. She said it was because she was busy and we didn’t question it too hard. It’s kinda obvious now exactly what she was busy with, but at the time, she never mentioned _anything_ to us about a boyfriend or being pregnant.”

“And I’m assuming you want our help in finding her?” Jessica asked, once again the model of professionalism.

“Please,” he said, eyes beseeching. “I’m afraid she’s in real trouble and it just kills me to think that she believes she has to do this alone. There has to be another way. But she told us not to go to the cops and she hasn’t been gone long enough for us to report her missing and we just...we just don’t know where to go from here.”

“We’re going to figure this out, Steve,” Jessica promised, eyes fierce. “But in the meantime, can I ask where the baby is?”

“Buck has to mind the business—not that he knows anything about babies anyway—so she’s with my landlady right now. Mrs. Kapplebaum’s a mother and a grandmother several times over, so the baby’s in good hands.”

“And how about you? Do you have any experience with children?”

Steve looked sheepish. “Well...no, not really,” he admitted, the tips of his ears reddening. Carol told herself that she didn’t find that adorable at all.

“Have you given any thought to how you’re going to take care of this baby?”

He scratched his neck, looking slightly awkward. “Not a _whole_ lot, given that it’s only been a few hours, but I guess we’d figure it out as we go.”

“Or you could consider calling child services,” Jessica said gently, “and finding a foster ho—”

“No,” Steve said firmly, cutting her off. “We can’t involve the authorities, remember?”

“I remember, but we’re talking about the life of a child—”

“And I understand your concern, but Julia left her to us for a reason. We’re the only family she’s got. She’s our responsibility and I’m not comfortable letting Rachel go to strangers when we still don’t know what we’re up against.” All traces of uncertainty and awkwardness had been wiped away as Steve stared Jessica down, jaw firmed, looking every inch the soldier he was.

Jessica backed down first, sighing. “I didn’t mean to cast aspersions, I’m just trying to make sure that that child gets the best care possible.”

“Like I said, I understand your concern,” Steve said, looking slightly less rigid. “The way I see it, people who aren’t necessarily qualified or expecting to be parents have children all the time and they muddle along somehow. I’m not alone in this. I’ve got Bucky and we’ve got friends, some of whom are parents themselves. And I’m a quick learner.”

If this were coming from anyone else, Carol would be skeptical. How many men would step up to take care of a baby to whom they didn’t have a biological obligation, honestly? But there was something about Steve Rogers and the absolute conviction in his words. She couldn’t explain how she was so certain, but she could believe that this was a man who understood responsibility and wouldn’t hide from it or give it anything less than his full effort.

Perhaps Jessica could sense this about him too, because she nodded and dropped the subject. “Well then, let’s figure out how we’re going to do this,” she said. “I’d offer to take this case myself, but it sounds like whoever takes it has got their work especially cut out for them. I just had a baby, you see, and I’m afraid I can’t invest as much time and effort as this case deserves without neglecting my family. But both of my colleagues are more than qualified to help you out. Ladies?” She cast them an inquisitive look.

Jess’ eyes positively _gleamed_ —this was it, this was the moment Jess had been waiting for and Carol decided she wouldn’t dispute the dibs claim. It was for the best anyway; the inconvenient attraction (which she could only attribute to her horrible dry spell) would’ve made it impossible to work, and really, this whole thing was just _ridiculous_ because Steve Rogers was _so far_ from her type and—

“I think Carol would be perfect for this job,” Jess purred, looking exactly like the cat that swallowed the canary.

What.

“What?” Carol blurted.

Jessica actually did a double-take.

Steve just looked confused.

“What?” Jess asked, blinking her eyes innocently, and Carol was going to _wring her lovely little neck_.

“Is there a problem?” Steve asked hesitantly, looking back and forth between Carol and Jess.

Carol shoved down her irritation, giving Steve a tight-lipped smile. “There’s no problem, I just need to consult with my esteemed colleague for a moment.” She shot Jess a hard stare, jerking her head towards the far corner of the office.

“What the hell are you doing? I thought you called dibs,” Carol hissed, when they’d gotten far enough away that she was sure they wouldn’t be overheard.

“I did call dibs. I now relinquish them—to you,” she replied, smirking.

“ _Why?_ ”

“Oh come now, Carol. You know I don’t do babies. Horrible little creatures.” She shuddered expressively.

This was true, actually. Small children and infants made Jess supremely uncomfortable. She barely managed to tolerate Jessica’s kid. “This is a missing persons case, you’ll be going after the _mother_ ; chances are you wouldn’t even need to be around the baby unless you wanted to.”

“I’d rather not take the chance,” she said airily. “And honestly, I don’t understand what your objection is to taking the case. Unless, of course, you don’t think you can do it.” She spread her hands questioningly and cocked an elegantly shaped eyebrow at Carol.

“I can do it,” Carol snapped reflexively. Ugh, curse her horrible competitive streak. “And don’t think I don’t know what you’re trying to do right now.” Jess was playing her, she was _totally_ playing her and Carol couldn’t help herself anyway.

“So you’re taking it?” she asked, smug as you please.

Oh, Carol was _definitely_ going to wring her neck when this was over. She pressed her lips together and let out a frustrated huff through her nose. Part of her wanted to refuse on principle, but the other part of her...

“Fine,” she bit out. “I’ll take it.”

“Excellent!” Jess actually clapped her hands a little, then spun on her heel and fairly pranced her way back to where Jessica and Steve were waiting for them. Carol rolled her eyes and followed after her, resisting the urge to stomp although it was a very near thing.

“I’m assuming you’ve come to an agreement?” Jessica asked dryly.

“Carol’s taking it,” Jess confirmed. “Not that I wouldn’t have been happy to do it, Steve, but Carol’s much better equipped for this than I am,” she said, patting his arm with a little wink.

Steve stood up, smiling at Carol and looking so honestly _pleased_ that she was momentarily lost for words. It was a very nice smile.

“Thank you so much, I can’t tell you how grateful I am,” he said, offering his hand to shake.

She hesitated for a split-second before taking his hand, shaking firmly. “My pleasure,” she replied and there it was again, that spark of sensation that had her pulse kicking up a few notches.

She was in so much trouble.


End file.
